# Suffering from anxiety and panic disorder



## wish wash

I've been feeling off since Xmas. I finally went to the doctors last week and he thinks I'm suffering from anxiety and panic disorder. It's marvellous how the sub conscious mind works. 

I have a well payed job I enjoy, I have a loving family I get on with. I have plenty of savings and owe no one nothing so no financial burden. Yet this has seemed to graced my way. 

Supposedly you can have triggers from child hood and growing up which I think is where its stemmed from. 

Some of you may or may not be able to relate, I know mental health used to be a faux pas but there's no point suffering in silence.

The first step is always the hardest.


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## SBM

Indeed the first step - is a hard one.
I wish you every success with your ongoing care/counselling buddy :thumb:
Thanks for posting
Ben


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## Starbuck88

It can come out of nowhere and can blindside not only yourself but those around you.

I got set off one day by something that worried me immensely and it triggered something inside me that has caused me to be anxious, nervous and all of the above. It initially turned me into somebody nobody who knew me would recognise. I lost friends, it upset all my close family as they couldn't understand how one day I just 'broke' and being of the 'old school' they just assumed I'd snap out of it and kept telling me, you're fine etc when in reality...I was anything but. 

10 years later and I'm not 100% but I am nearly back to my old self, however I do now struggle with confidence and can seem awkward and quiet in conversations as quite often I feel a bit worthless and like I have nothing to add.

My other half, she was immediately supportive of me when it started, being the same age we were taught more about mental health issues in school/college etc and she could see how deeply deeply worried and sad I was inside and she could see how everyone else was basically making me out as if I've lost my marbles and would not listen to anything I had to say, I felt very alone and trapped, if it wasn't for her, I don't know what would have happened.

If you ever need to talk to a non judgemental and confidential ear, be more than happy to help.


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## Naddy37

The first step is indeed always the hardest.

From past experience, all i will say is, don’t bottle it up, and talk to someone, and continue to talk to someone.

You’ll be suprised just how many people are in, or have been in your exact position.

Oh, and the worst thing ever that someone can say to you is ‘why don’t you just snap out of it!’ 

As others have said above, if you want another listening ear, feel free to ping a message.


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## GleemSpray

"No man is an island" as the old saying goes.

Its important to find someone who you can trust, who thinks like you do, and who will listen and then give you a considered and honest opinion.

"a problem shared is a problem halved" is another true saying. 

Good luck with finding inner peace. 



Sent from my HTC 10 using Tapatalk


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## wish wash

Starbuck88 and naddy37. Very much appreciated guys. 

I think I actually had a panic attack this morning 5 minutes from where I needed to pick something up, I just got this intense adrenaline rush through my body, breathing slows a little and I feel like I'm going to be sick. It weird having these sensations that come out of nowhere. I've figured I'm feeling burnt out as I'm in fight or flight mode all the time.


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## andy__d

if it helps, you are not the only one , i know it Feels like it at the time, Yet there are Far more of Us out there (or not out there when its a bad day) than others

IF and When "wotever" is right for you then you will know and feel it, and When and IF its relevant to you At that point in time/where you are then suggestions may help


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## K777mk2

Buy The Chimp Paradox book. Its very good.
It helps you learn your subconscious mind is full BS mostly, and how to stop it convincing your conscious mind believing its nonsense.
There are many things that can effect you and your insecurities, such as attachments with your parents, like "primary" "secondary" attachments. 
My daughter is just about finishing her psychology degree.


And when your chest is tight and your body feels like its invisibly vibrating try find someone who can make you laugh and take your mind of it.

To a varying degree we all suffer from time to time, talking about it is indeed a big step in the way to tackle it.

Good luck.


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## wish wash

I remember the chimp paradox book getting mentioned when I've read a few of the guy Martin books. I think he calls his inner chimp Brian.


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## Soul boy 68

My son had a mental breakdown a few years ago and the first step is the hardest and your loved ones will support no matter what I'm sure. You have plenty of friends on here who will offer support the best way they can. You will be fine at the end of all this with the right care. Stay strong wish wash and my best wishes go out to you.


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## andy665

Being prepared to speak about it is a massive step forwards.

I have a long history of a depressed, bordering on alcoholic wife who has done some truly awful things to me (and I now accept not really knowing or caring what she did at that point in time) and the impact its had is massive - torn my family apart and its long term affect on me is only now starting to become clear.

I effectively forgave everything she did and tried to support her - often at the expense of my own well being.

We are finally really starting to resolve things, her drinking is under control, she has got herself a great job (which has actually made my anxiety a lot worse as she works with a lot of younger people and there is an active "after work" social scene) - she wants to forget about the past and just look forwards (a sign that she at least is getting her life back) - I wish I could but the past 10 years haunts me and terrifies me.

I love my wife very much but I now have real anxiety issues, I'm frightened that she will revert to the way she was, I get very panicky, I feel the urge to check up on her, I am terrified she will have an affair and leave me - I am sometimes not in control of my thoughts and feelings and its very frightening.

What I am trying very hard to do is be completely honest with her - if she knows how I'm feeling at least she can choose to support / help me -if I keep it internalised my behaviour / thoughts could drive her away.

Like you - I have a very well paid job, no real money worries, a fantastic son, nice home but the past is threatening to consume me.

I wish you the best of luck and if you ever want to dump on me drop me a line - I'm a good listener


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## Honda

Hi wish wash, I truly sympathise with you as I have had it myself, I could be sat at home and for no reason I had to go out and then after a while I would panic and had to get home. 
I would go fishing with my mates when ready to go home under no circumstances could I be the last one out the gate to leave, belong to a golf club been there for 35 years plus know most members but could not go upstairs to the bar on my own, would wait for someone to come along to go up with, confidence what's that, I don't know why!!
It also comes with other issues, so went to the Doc's saw about four councillors, no joy, eventually saw a psychologist and he really helped me to point I am now fine!

Hope things improve for you, if you want to ask me a question pm me if you wish!!


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## suds

A couple of my clients have benefited from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - it doesn't tackle underlying longstanding issues but concentrates on how to deal with current issues/affect. So recognizing the problem/triggers, how they affect you and how you can deal with them on a daily basis. Certainly worth mentioning to your health professional.

I wish you all well- what happens to us physically/emotionally is just another part of life's passage- we are one of many - it happens to many. 

Health and wellbeing at work has seen an increasing focus over the past 10 years - altruistic employers? Probably more from a combination of efficiency and necessity but nonetheless employers are more understanding and amenable to making adjustments at work ( many people work a 10 hour day but are only productive for 7.5 so don't be surprised if your employer recommends you leave 'early' )


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## andy665

Tomorrow I will have completed a CBT course and can honestly say that whilst I have picked up a couple of hints and tips it has generally been pretty pointless - accept it may work for others


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## andy__d

its the "When & if / If & When" thing

what helps/works for A person at That point in time for them, may help another person but at a different point in time for them,

some will benefit from "this" at the start, some "in the middle" and some after a longer time frame,, and sadly not Everything works for everyone even When and If the time is right for them

and sometimes , folk saying "oh you Got to ,, " "you need to ,,,," "you must,,,," even when they are meaning The very very best for you and only wishing to help , as the thing they are recomending worked for them/someone they know is unfortunately the very last thing someone suffering would want to hear.
It can come over as anything from "pushing/shoving" all the way down to making them feel worse as they should have known/done/etc that already ,,

i Like the way SUDS phrased it


> A couple of my clients have benefited from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - it doesn't tackle underlying longstanding issues but concentrates on how to deal with current issues/affect. So recognizing the problem/triggers, how they affect you and how you can deal with them on a daily basis. Certainly worth mentioning to your health professional.


there is no "must/need/should" more of a "this has helped some folk" and the limitations of it for some and its main aim , its worth asking/speaking about with YOUR health professional"

Andy665
yeps exactly that, there Maybe one or 2 bits and things in it that could help , there maybe more , or less, 
and as your possibly aware having "finished" the course, its not a "finished = cured/fixed" more of a "finished learning what it is and how to apply the parts relevant to me , now carry on learning + refining it for my set of circumstances, and how it can/could/might help me"

me
well,, i qualify for the "me 2" t-shirt 
clinical depression, social anxiety complex, anxiety complex, panic attacks, etc etc etc,, all from a nervous and mental breakdown 
theres "stuff" i can do,, theres "stuff i cant" ,, theres stuff i try and realise i can/cant but there are also bad days when,,, im learning to cope with it, deal with what i can when i can, and Trying to learn to not beat myself up over the bits "not today" or "nope"

but im a stubborn sod and want to Fix things that arent right,, learning that i can Not fix some bits of my head that are ,,fubar and to accept it is a bloomin hard step to learn,


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## wish wash

Even if someone reads this that may have something going on but can't quite put a finger on what's bothering them. There's no shame in asking for help. No matter what you have going on in life there will always be someone there to help.


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## Mike J

Wishwash
First let me tell you your not alone.
I have been there bigtime, and conquered it, so have many others.

Adrenalin rushes can do a lot of physical damage.
The answer is to burn if off immediately, with exersises eg; deep squats which employs the largest muscle groups followed running on the spot pumping arms high and max reps, with light weights.
Check your pulse until it returns to your norm.

Find what triggers the rush - mine was a Cognitive Response Disorder (medically diagnosed) triggered by a highly manipulative wife. When I first left her I would run out of my new house if the phone rang!!
Conquered by installing a barrier, all communications through a third party followed by divorce.

Confidence will return but it takes time because it is built up in layers, like a wall of bricks.
Always be preparred to accept the challenge and try, dont step back and start to think to deeply, just do it!

Its often the strongest that suffer the hardest, but its a winnable battle and you can do it!


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## andy__d

wish wash said:


> Even if someone reads this that may have something going on but can't quite put a finger on what's bothering them. There's no shame in asking for help. No matter what you have going on in life there will always be someone there to help.


that, in a can !
until recently Asking for help with mental health things was a huge "oh hell no" and people who didnt understand and didnt want to know or came out with "it will pass/get over it/pull yourself together/etc" making the person feel worse and Less liable to ask for help,,

things have gotten a Lot better over the last years in how people see mental health issues, and have realised you Can have them and Not be (insert the old stereo types here)

If it was a broken arm/leg type thing where people can SEE it they can understand it a lot easier/better, something they cant see/touch isnt as easy for some


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## BigMart

Hey Wish Wash,

going through the same right now , 
almost lost my wife earlier this year to Sepsis which ahs left her with an ongoing condition.
I get the panic attacks avery couple of hours through the night (keep checking on her).
Cant leave the house without panicking to return.
My employer is thratening to fire me , have been signed off sick until September and currently part way through a CBT course.

A lot of it seems common sense but have had more comfort and support by watching Youtube videos by Mel Robbins.
She seems to talk a lot of sense.

Completely agree with other posters , what works for one does not work for all.

Good luck with it.
The NHS should be able to offer CBT without a doctors referral , you should be able to self refer.

Keep us all up to date , you are not alone in this.

Mart :thumb:


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## Fentum

wish wash,

I've nothing to add to the wise advice here but you are right to recognise that naming "it" is the first step. 

There are a lot of people here who will listen either one to one or on the forum. 

Things seem less bad when confronted and shared. 

All the best

Peter


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## BoroDave74

You'll be amazed how many other people suffer when you open up about it. There is a little stigma in certain circles, but in the main, people mostly either sympathise or empathise.

Since my own diagnosis two years ago, I can recognise some minor panic attacks from years ago, but nothing like the first big one. It was exhausting, debilitating and very upsetting. The daytime panic attacks quickly led on to night time panic attacks which were hideous and hastened my doctor's appointment! Some of the attacks included hyperventilation and very unusually blackouts, due to my phobia of doctors (super helpful!).
I've done several CBT courses and have been on citalopram since October 2017. All have helped in varying degrees, either physically or psychosomatically. 
There are some really useful videos (Ted Talks) on YouTube and it's YouTube that got me over the sleeping panic attacks.

I'm not cured and I don't think I ever could be. But I can manage what I have with the tools I learned from the CBT courses. 
Brilliantly I find detailing to be immensely therapeutic. The exercise, the outdoors, the concentration, the effort, the routine and the satisfaction of the end result. 
Nothing, but nothing, was more effective at dealing with the majority of the problem than talking.
Good luck, mindfulness and meditation can help tremendously &#55357;&#56397;


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## wish wash

I've watched a few things on YouTube which is useful. Easier to understand with a calm mind rather than a heightened one that thinks unrationally. 

I was trying to explain it to someone the other day. I asked what's the difference between a panic attack and a adrenaline rush. Absolutely nothing, it's how your mind perceives it. Imagine sitting watching a film then all of a sudden you feel like your on a ride at Alton towers.


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## mayhem85

I've had panic attacks and anxiety since I was 17, finding the triggers was the hardest thing, one of mine ironically was the deodorant that I was using. Changing my diet helped alot, cut out the booze, and general exercise help. Have a look into a supplement called 5-htp, I won't go into all the details has I'll be typing forever, but since comming off of the perception medication due to the side effects, 5-htp has quite simply been a godsend, to me and a few of my friends who all have various concerns. I hope you find this useful.
Martin


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## andy665

Been an interesting week for me with my anxiety.

I have realised I have put the past to rest, my wifes lies and unfaithfulness have happened and cannot be undone but my anxiety about the future has become much worse.

Last weekend saw myself, my wife and our son go to the Lake District for the week - we all find it the perfect place to relax and have fun. Due to work my wife had to leave on Tuesday evening, leaving my son and I to stay until yesterday (18th Aug)

Before we went we talked about my anxiety - which I have determined is 100% focused on my wifes faithfulness and the social aspect of her job that could see her being out with people she works with 3-4 evenings per week if she wanted to. This is my "threat" and it terrifies me. I asked her to give me 4 weeks breathing space - 4 weeks of her not going out with them at all, time to allow me to start getting my head around it, a request she willingly agreed to.

Last Thursday evening I called her as planned and there was no reply. She called back about 10 minutes later and apologised, saying she had been in the shower. The call from her end was very echoey and I just knew something was not right. About ten minutes later I called her back and asked her where she really was - she admitted she was not at home - she was out with work colleagues having a few drinks and a meal.

My anxiety went through the roof. We packed or stuff up and drove home immediately, getting back about 11.30. There was no apology from here and after a few choice words I got in the car and drove off to a local beauty stop - where for a period of 20-30 minutes I seriously contemplated suicide. My wife had called the police, they found me, took me back to the station and only released me after I had been spoken to by their "crisis team".

Friday was a complete blur but yesterday we talked at length. My wife admitted she accepted the invitation without giving her promise to me much thought, she simply did not understand the impact a broken promise and lie would have on me.

She understands where my fears stem from and now understands how I feel and what things can trigger my anxiety - trivial things to most people - but to me they assume massive importance.

For me - the secret to getting on top of my anxiety is honesty with my wife and communication. I have to take a risk - she has the power to completely destroy me but also she has the power to support me through this - how can I ask someone to support me and help me if they do not know how I am feeling

The fear of her betraying me is immense but I cannot let her past behaviour destroy a potential future together, she says she loves me and has no intention or desire to do anything with anyone else and I hope in time I can start to actually believe what she is saying.

Bizzarely I'm finding that putting what has happened in the past to bed and letting it go has freed up room in my head to have far greater levels of anxiety about the future - not sure if that's common or not


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## wish wash

Sorry you've been feeling that way Andy. It's hard when you get that thought in your mind and you start to catastrophizing. Your wife says she didn't understand what a lie would do, she agreed with you the 4 weeks and chose to break that promise. Chose to lie to you on the phone and made that conscious decision to do what she wanted. A white lie won't hurt, well why lie in the first place. She knew the decision was wrong. I know it's give and take and rebuilding together. 

My personal opinion is you need to let her go out. You have this underlying worry things will go wrong again. The only way your going to feel better is by desensitisation. I know you say the past is the past and you've put it to bed, but your worrying about the future and the past happening again. Whats triggering worrying about the future is what's happened to you in the past. If you weren't worried about the past event, you'd have no anxiety about the future event.


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## Boothy

Well. After reading this post I have to say that I am surprised by how open some of you have been. I think it goes to show how the stigma around mental health has decreased but also how much more common it is these days. 
Part of that is down to better diagnosis but also the busy, hectic lives that most people are forced to deal with on a daily basis. 
I myself was diagnosed with depression some 9 years back and I turned 40 this year. It hit me completely out of the blue due to something that happened, or more something I saw at work and I'm still on medication to this day. Its almost like a switch was flicked and now I can't turn it back off regardless of what I do. 
The thing that really bugs me about depression in particular is how people just think you're unhappy and that you should just deal with it. Its so much more than that though and unless you've walked in the shoes of somebody suffering from it then I don't think you can ever fully understand it. 
As much as I love my car, my waxes etc I do feel we are too materialistic these days and I'm sure that people would be much happier if we went back to a simpler, more natural way of living. I think I should become a self sufficient hippy or something, lol.
As somebody who unfortunately deals with suicide regularly through my job I would add that there is always help out there for people and if anybody ever gets to that point, please please please seek out that help before things go too far.

Much love everyone.

Chris.


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## MAW73

Another one here! Suffered for over 10 years with this pretty much in silence. For most of the time I can keep on top of it and just soldier on without too much of an issue fortunately.

My anxiety manifests itself in public/social situations. My head will feel tight, numb and dizzy which in turn makes me fear I will embarrass my self and pass out. I have this same irrational fear in many public and work situations like meetings, cinemas, airports, shopping centres etc. Even experienced this horrible feeling just sitting in a traffic queue. Usually this will pass but its horrible feeling.

Life has been good to me and I have had no traumatic experiences or anything like that. My wife is aware I suffer to a degree but I have learnt to mask it well especially with family and friends who are completely unaware. I feel embarrassed to feel this way and very alone with it. I would just like to feel normal again. I wouldn't say I have ever felt depressed or suicidal though which is very fortunate.

I run my own business therefore taking any extended leave is out the question. Work can be stressful and it is tiring commuting into London but for the most I do enjoy it.

I have been to the doctors in recent months and I am paying private now to see a therapist. The therapist has conducted hypnotherapy (which I have not taken to), CBT and Mindfullness meditation.

The mindfullness does seem to help. I would really recommend this practical guide on amazon audio from professor Mark Williams.

https://www.audible.co.uk/ep/title?asin=B004XWE8XQ&source_code=M2M30DFT1BkSH101514006P

_________________


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## wish wash

It's a very cliche saying but, unless you've had it you have no idea what it's like.


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## AOCBMG

Sorry i've caught onto this quite late!

I've suffered on and off with anxiety & panic attacks for about 8-10 years, well no probably more accurate, i've suffered with it most of my life & known what it was for 8-10 years.

Most of mine revolves around going on holiday, I always used to get ill when abroad & as i now understand it better i make myself ill because im out of my comfort zone, don't eat, etc...

This has then built over the years and although generally i'm now OK all sorts can set me off, even just going to a restaurant for a meal can be very difficult, then other days i could speak in front of an audience & be perfectly fine.

It really can be a mystery.

A few things that really help me, always tell people - if you are struggling 99% of people will help.

Everyone knows someone who has struggled with something similar, even if they don't understand it, it is now very common & people know what it is.

Get yourself to the doctor, take their advice, take their drugs, if something doesn't work go back & try something else, there are so many treatments & some of the things i've tried have truly changed my life.

If you ever want to talk drop me a message I wouldn't mind at all.


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## Starbuck88

I know I posted earlier in the thread but after reading all your responses I feel like although our triggers, our circumstances are all different....we have all experienced the same mixture feelings.

The same dread, the same anxiety, the same insecurities, it's eye opening.

Before my issues started, when I was a school boy, I had tendencies that probably should have been addressed. For example I compulsively washed my hands, my hands looked like the grand canyon, bleeding everywhere etc, one day I was stood washing them, in severe pain and I said to myself, wtf am I doing and from that day...I stopped.

I couldn't look at the clock on my VCR as if it said a certain time It'd mean I had forgotten to do some homework and I'd be told off. I had to plump my pillows so many times etc. 

Then a few years later, I was stood in a shop buying a mobile phone, all of a sudden I felt weird, got hot and knew something wasn't up, dad said go and get fresh air and I'll wait for the chap to come back..by the time I got to the entrance of the shop, I was completely blind, my eyesight had gone but I was still mobile, I'd convinced myself I saw a bench outside the shop so I was reaching out trying to feel for it, the next thing I know, I hear my mum and dads voice and other people, my eye site comes back and I feel...perfect.

What had actually happened was I fell into a freshly cemented tidal gutter and my teenage arm print is there to this day, some 16 years later. 

After that, whenever I was waiting in a queue, eating in a restaurant, I'd start feeling that strange sensation and feeling again and then basically bring it all on again by worrying, thankfully I never totally blacked out but got close a couple of times. I even point blank refused to go to a few family meals which of course didn't go down well at all but it was my fault of course. 

So when it came for my big upset that sparked off the past 10 years of problems, it would seem I was already suffering.


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## MAW73

Starbuck88 said:


> After that, whenever I was waiting in a queue, eating in a restaurant, I'd start feeling that strange sensation and feeling again and then basically bring it all on again by worrying, thankfully I never totally blacked out but got close a couple of times. I even point blank refused to go to a few family meals which of course didn't go down well at all but it was my fault of course.


Bloody hell, I could have written that myself. I suffer at times with very similar anxiety attacks. Mine first started on my honeymoon. There we were in this lovely but quiet resusturant in the seycheles when I just felt a bit light headed and I worries I was going to pass out. The waitress came to take my order and I couldn't get my words out. When the waitress looked concenred and asked if I was ok this just triggered me off even more and I spiralled into panic. From this one experience I have suffered on and off for over 10 years since.

I have just come back from a recent holiday with the wife and although at times a felt a little uncomfortable and had anxious thoughts in resturants and at the airport I did cope pretty well and had a lovely time. This has given me some much needed confidence to push on and try and beat this.


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## MAW73

andy665 said:


> Being prepared to speak about it is a massive step forwards.
> 
> I have a long history of a depressed, bordering on alcoholic wife who has done some truly awful things to me (and I now accept not really knowing or caring what she did at that point in time) and the impact its had is massive - torn my family apart and its long term affect on me is only now starting to become clear.
> 
> I effectively forgave everything she did and tried to support her - often at the expense of my own well being.
> 
> We are finally really starting to resolve things, her drinking is under control, she has got herself a great job (which has actually made my anxiety a lot worse as she works with a lot of younger people and there is an active "after work" social scene) - she wants to forget about the past and just look forwards (a sign that she at least is getting her life back) - I wish I could but the past 10 years haunts me and terrifies me.
> 
> I love my wife very much but I now have real anxiety issues, I'm frightened that she will revert to the way she was, I get very panicky, I feel the urge to check up on her, I am terrified she will have an affair and leave me - I am sometimes not in control of my thoughts and feelings and its very frightening.
> 
> What I am trying very hard to do is be completely honest with her - if she knows how I'm feeling at least she can choose to support / help me -if I keep it internalised my behaviour / thoughts could drive her away.
> 
> Like you - I have a very well paid job, no real money worries, a fantastic son, nice home but the past is threatening to consume me.
> 
> I wish you the best of luck and if you ever want to dump on me drop me a line - I'm a good listener


I really feel for you there and I can totally understand how this must make you feel very anxious and insecure.

Maybe you could both benefit from some joint relationship therapy to try and nip this in the bud?


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## hoggers

Hi Everyone

This just thread came up on my newsfeed and couldn't ignore.

For the last 13 years (to the day actually) I've worked with young carers many of whom are caring for a parent with ill mental health. It's been so frustrating seeing families struggle with the lack of support.

A few years back a trained as a facilitator of the Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) which is a preventative approach to managing personal wellness.

At the time I thought I was in a pretty good place - managed a young carers project and had a car valeting business, worked 6 days a week, had a fairly decent income etc...

Did the course and within 3 months I'd sold the business as I hadn't realised how close to burn out I was. Life has got much better as a result of getting a work/life balance.

I'm so passionate about the positives of WRAP that I've set a new venture up called www.discoverwellness.co.uk which empowers people to life a better life. It's aimed at companies to buy it in for their employees.

It's early days but I hope businesses can recognise the benefits of investing in their staff as it's a win win.

Course content covers

Wellness tools
Daily maintenance 
Triggers 
Early warnings signs
When things break down 
Crisis Plan 
Post Crisis Plan

Key concepts of recovery; hope, personal responsibility, education, self advocacy and support.

Highly recommend participating in the 2 day course if there is one local to you.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## wish wash

*UPDATE*
So nearly 3 months since I started this thread and its certainly been interesting but also difficult. As I sit writing this I feel frustrated and teary. There's nothing worse than not knowing yourself and just wishing the normal switch could just be flicked back on. 

Iv have been off work 6 weeks. One morning my head just burst. I rang my boss and I just burst into tears for no reason. I haven't cried for about 8 years. I just didn't feel myself and I still feel a little bit dead inside. There is nothing worse than being a positive person but yet anything you try to do just doesn't make you feel much better. I can honestly say id hit an all time low and it's took nearly 2 months to get back to a normal state but I know I have still got along way to go. 

I suffered at the hands of domestic violence at a very young age and remembering my mum getting beaten black and blue still haunts me. I was bullied at secondary school which eventually stopped, but returned when I was doing my 4 year apprenticeship. I had a self harming girlfriend who used to cut herself with razor blades. Just when things were on the up I had a good friend I grew up with kill themselves at university. A year later I suffered a case of sexual assault.

We all suffer in some shape or form. Just don't suffer in silence and bottle it up. There's only so much the bottle can hold before it spills from the top.


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## suds

Been thinking about you all recently - life really can be a rollercoaster at times. Best wishes :thumb:


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## andy665

Things have definitely been getting better for me.

Identifying the root cause of my anxiety (trust issues and separation) and talking about them openly with my wife has helped. In the past her depression and resultant self-obsession would have made any discussion pointless - she would have simply done what she wanted and to hell with me - fortunately its now very different.


I have issues about her socialising with people from work after work, they are generally younger than her and most are men, my wife can be pretty naïve (or I'm very suspicious) but in her role as a PA to main board directors she has a target on her back (seen it in companies I have worked in many times before) as far as a lot of young men are concerned and she struggles to see when men are making a play.

I have talked about my fears and we have worked out a plan of action that gives me some peace of mind but also gives her the opportunity to do some after work socialising - I find such occasions very difficult but not facing them is simply not an option - I have to.

Only thing I have not been able to face is the prospect of her works Christmas party - this would mean her staying over in a hotel and I have told her that its simply a step too far at the moment - fortunately she understands and has said that she will not be going - in her view, my state of mind is more important than one works p*** up.


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## wish wash

andy665 said:


> Things have definitely been getting better for me.
> 
> Identifying the root cause of my anxiety (trust issues and separation) and talking about them openly with my wife has helped. In the past her depression and resultant self-obsession would have made any discussion pointless - she would have simply done what she wanted and to hell with me - fortunately its now very different.
> 
> I have issues about her socialising with people from work after work, they are generally younger than her and most are men, my wife can be pretty naïve (or I'm very suspicious) but in her role as a PA to main board directors she has a target on her back (seen it in companies I have worked in many times before) as far as a lot of young men are concerned and she struggles to see when men are making a play.
> 
> I have talked about my fears and we have worked out a plan of action that gives me some peace of mind but also gives her the opportunity to do some after work socialising - I find such occasions very difficult but not facing them is simply not an option - I have to.
> 
> Only thing I have not been able to face is the prospect of her works Christmas party - this would mean her staying over in a hotel and I have told her that its simply a step too far at the moment - fortunately she understands and has said that she will not be going - in her view, my state of mind is more important than one works p*** up.


I'm really glad your feeling better. It's a lot easier to access situations when your in a better frame of mind. As long as you keep taking steps forward it's progress.


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## Ratz

Wish Wash, try to be patient with yourself, it will likely take some time to fully understand and accept what's happening to you - then find your own way forward.

I've suffered from anxiety and bouts of depression for some years to varying degrees as others have shared. It's been quite emotional for me to read other people's experiences and see the parallels with my own. I still struggle with the thought that I feel weak for not being able to just 'deal with things', I know the logic but it's still difficult to overcome the fear of what others will think.

At work in the last 12 months there has been a significant focus on mental health, very much driven by someone near the top who had the courage to share that she'd suffered a mental breakdown. This was a great example of someone who appeared super confident and bullet proof from the outside but was in turmoil under the surface.

One particular mantra that helps me is "be kind to yourself", in other words don't be too hard on yourself.

Another TED Talk that I found resonated with me was "The Power of Vulnerability" by Brene Brown, talking of her own experiences.

Keep talking and best of luck!


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## Starbuck88

I'm just going to say something so that you guys know I'm here, reading and thinking of you all.

Lovely to see Andy progressing, keep at it, trust yourself and I hope from what you've written that your wife is taking this extremely seriously. 

Wish Wash, very sorry to read this, I really can't offer anything other than you're not alone and don't ever feel like you are, I am here and there are plenty on this forum who'd be more than happy to talk to you.

This is the problem I found, one day your up, the next your down. With my particular issue, I could literally forget all about it for a number of days then all of a sudden, it comes down on my like a ton of bricks and your shifted from a happy positive outlook to a fearful, anxious, depressed state and unless people around you really understand what you're going through, lets just say it's not the best help is it.


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## Starbuck88

Just did a 600 mile round trip. 

On the way back, got flashed on the average speed camera section of the M42. Now. I am incredibly careful around those things, I wasn't speeding.

Was it me, the big lorry next to me, the car in front of me, or was there vehicles behind? My anxiety kicked in and I now can't really remember all what was going on.

So now I'm catastrophising it all and worried I'm going to receive an NIP of some sort. 

However, I know I should not be worrying at all as far as I'm concerned I did no wrong, I've never had any points and never been pulled over and as soon as I see 'Smart Motorway' or 'Active Traffic Management', I go into super dooper speedo watcher.

ffs, why can't I stop worrying. 14 days of hell for me


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## andy__d

we worry , over think and plan for The worse it could be (and a bit more cos),, for the simple reason , we a Good at doing it,,
there will no doubt be a proper reason but,, we are good at it


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## gatecrasher3

Starbuck88 said:


> Just did a 600 mile round trip.
> 
> On the way back, got flashed on the average speed camera section of the M42. Now. I am incredibly careful around those things, I wasn't speeding.
> 
> Was it me, the big lorry next to me, the car in front of me, or was there vehicles behind? My anxiety kicked in and I now can't really remember all what was going on.
> 
> So now I'm catastrophising it all and worried I'm going to receive an NIP of some sort.
> 
> However, I know I should not be worrying at all as far as I'm concerned I did no wrong, I've never had any points and never been pulled over and as soon as I see 'Smart Motorway' or 'Active Traffic Management', I go into super dooper speedo watcher.
> 
> ffs, why can't I stop worrying. 14 days of hell for me


Horrible isn't it. This would be me all over. Running a thousand possible outcomes through my head with everyone of them a negative one.

So annoying yet impossible to stop doing.


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## andy665

Starbuck88 said:


> Just did a 600 mile round trip.
> 
> On the way back, got flashed on the average speed camera section of the M42. Now. I am incredibly careful around those things, I wasn't speeding.
> 
> Was it me, the big lorry next to me, the car in front of me, or was there vehicles behind? My anxiety kicked in and I now can't really remember all what was going on.
> 
> So now I'm catastrophising it all and worried I'm going to receive an NIP of some sort.
> 
> However, I know I should not be worrying at all as far as I'm concerned I did no wrong, I've never had any points and never been pulled over and as soon as I see 'Smart Motorway' or 'Active Traffic Management', I go into super dooper speedo watcher.
> 
> ffs, why can't I stop worrying. 14 days of hell for me


Its exactly how I am at times - take a situation and look at the extremes - best outcome and worst outcome - always plump for the worst outcome. Then look at what that could mean - repeat - best outcome and worst outcome - take the worst and on and on it goes - its hugely emotionally draining

At least you know you are not the only one


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## andy665

Still on my soapbox occasionally to let people know what living with anxiety and mild depression can be like - please only bother reading if you're genuinely interested / curious.

Saturday saw Noah and I off to London for the day - something that people suffering from anxiety could find difficult. I saw it as a test of endurance rather than a day to be enjoyed but Noah (at a mere 11 years old) kind of knows how to help me and we ended up having a really great day out 

Yesterday could not have been more different. Went to Telford with Sarah and Noah - plan was to wander round and have breakfast - just a relaxed Sunday late morning / early afternoon. Within 10 minutes I had told them they would have to get the bus home and I simply walked off, totally incapable of feeling any emotion other than anger towards absolutely everybody who was within touching distance of me. In these situations I feel really sorry for Sarah and Noah - nothing they could have said or done would have been right so I knew the best thing for them was to be kept at a distance from me.

What triggered this - no idea at all

Did I see it coming - no

Could I snap myself out of it - no, just had to end naturally which it did after about 2 hours

I have chosen not to go down the medication route - my brain feels fried already without drugs - rather be more pro-active and I have sort of worked out what helps me:

Knowing that someone is there if I need them - not always there like it should be but it helps when it is

Fresh air 

Exercise

Most of the time I'm ok but I know at the moment I perhaps need people around me to show (not say - SHOW) they care, that I am someone worth knowing and that I'm not always having to go through this alone


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## wish wash

Its certainly a strange experience this whole (anxiety). I always seem to get what i call an - Anxiety Hangover. You feel wound up and going 200mph, you then finally relax but seem to feel exhausted from it.


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## piolim

I experience anxiety too due to many reasons but I find meditation helpful in coping with it. I try doing more exercise and eating healthy foods too. They help me get through it.


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## andy__d

andy665 said:


> Still on my soapbox occasionally to let people know what living with anxiety and mild depression can be like - please only bother reading if you're genuinely interested / curious.
> 
> Saturday saw Noah and I off to London for the day - something that people suffering from anxiety could find difficult. I saw it as a test of endurance rather than a day to be enjoyed but Noah (at a mere 11 years old) kind of knows how to help me and we ended up having a really great day out
> 
> Yesterday could not have been more different. Went to Telford with Sarah and Noah - plan was to wander round and have breakfast - just a relaxed Sunday late morning / early afternoon. Within 10 minutes I had told them they would have to get the bus home and I simply walked off, totally incapable of feeling any emotion other than anger towards absolutely everybody who was within touching distance of me. In these situations I feel really sorry for Sarah and Noah - nothing they could have said or done would have been right so I knew the best thing for them was to be kept at a distance from me.
> 
> What triggered this - no idea at all
> 
> Did I see it coming - no
> 
> Could I snap myself out of it - no, just had to end naturally which it did after about 2 hours
> 
> I have chosen not to go down the medication route - my brain feels fried already without drugs - rather be more pro-active and I have sort of worked out what helps me:
> 
> Knowing that someone is there if I need them - not always there like it should be but it helps when it is
> 
> Fresh air
> 
> Exercise
> 
> Most of the time I'm ok but I know at the moment I perhaps need people around me to show (not say - SHOW) they care, that I am someone worth knowing and that I'm not always having to go through this alone


Somebody somewhere might have a possible for the why,

Im chuffed to bits you dealt with it so well And recognised it as a "thing" rather than being caught up in "it" and carrying on, 
the guilt for others i get, can i counter with the "they didnt get snapped at or angry you" with them and that is yet again another huge + in your favour,

your doing a bucket (2bm) better than you perhaps realise, noticing it, realising it for what it is And then dealing with it in the manner best suited to you And yours.

the self doubt , got that too, far far easier to do things for others as "well its only me i dont matter" is a "me too" thingy to also work with/on and,, if /when i ever get an answer for me ill let you know incase it helps you.


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## andy665

andy__d said:


> Somebody somewhere might have a possible for the why,
> 
> Im chuffed to bits you dealt with it so well And recognised it as a "thing" rather than being caught up in "it" and carrying on,
> the guilt for others i get, can i counter with the "they didnt get snapped at or angry you" with them and that is yet again another huge + in your favour,
> 
> your doing a bucket (2bm) better than you perhaps realise, noticing it, realising it for what it is And then dealing with it in the manner best suited to you And yours.
> 
> the self doubt , got that too, far far easier to do things for others as "well its only me i dont matter" is a "me too" thingy to also work with/on and,, if /when i ever get an answer for me ill let you know incase it helps you.


Thanks - its very easy to be so wrapped up in it that its impossible to see that in some ways you are making progress and your response has helped point out that perhaps I am starting to take steps forward

I am due out in Munich to do 3 days with BMW next week - its a big step for me, fortunately I'm going with colleagues but as it gets closer I can feel the anxiety stepping up - fortunately my anxiety in work related matters is more easily controlled because I know that I'm good at what I do and can add value

In my personal life I all too often feel irrelevant, not worthy of time / attention from others and find it simply easier to retreat within myself so I'm not a "burden" to others


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## andy__d

Snap on the not wanting to burden anyone and withdrawing into myself, and a huge snap on the "not relevant/worth anything" bits as well 

i found, for me that the slow erosion of self confidence spread from personal life to work life. and never spoke about it till far too late 

so another Big + for you speaking up when you have


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## auditek

In 1980, I was fit as a fiddle, happy in my work/social life. I'd just finished work, and was walking back to my hotel. All of a sudden, I felt so very tired, unlike anything ever before. I stopped walking ( Because I had to) and bent down pretending to tie my shoelace. next thing I knew, I woke up in hospital ! I was tested for everything, but all was OK. When I got home, further tests were carried out, suspecting Epilepsy. Again, all proved OK. A few days later, I went to the pub at dinner time with my friends, and no sooner had I sat down, I suffered a massive panic attack ( Even though I didn't know what is what at the time). This went on for 25 years, and how I managed to hide it, I don't know.I always used to poo poo people with mental health problems, basically telling them to 'Man up', and I tried this myself to no avail. Anyway, after my last one, I decided enough was enough, and contacted the Doctor. Initially, I was referred to a Councillor, and although it was great to finally talk to someone about it, it didn't work. After seeing the Doc again, she put me on Citalopram .. It's also an anti depressant ( Which I wasn't), but also for panic attacks.The strongest drug I'd ever taken before was a Lemsip, but when I took my first tablet, I could hear my insides rumbling and groaning !! Straight away, I could feel a total difference in myself. She has suggested that I start to wean myself off them, but they have made such a huge difference to my life, I have continued ( Which the Doc is more than happy with) If anybody 'Thinks' they have had a panic attack, they haven't. If you have had a panic attack, YOU KNOW IT !! If this only helps one person out there, then it's been worthwhile posting


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## andy665

auditek said:


> In 1980, I was fit as a fiddle, happy in my work/social life. I'd just finished work, and was walking back to my hotel. All of a sudden, I felt so very tired, unlike anything ever before. I stopped walking ( Because I had to) and bent down pretending to tie my shoelace. next thing I knew, I woke up in hospital ! I was tested for everything, but all was OK. When I got home, further tests were carried out, suspecting Epilepsy. Again, all proved OK. A few days later, I went to the pub at dinner time with my friends, and no sooner had I sat down, I suffered a massive panic attack ( Even though I didn't know what is what at the time). This went on for 25 years, and how I managed to hide it, I don't know.I always used to poo poo people with mental health problems, basically telling them to 'Man up', and I tried this myself to no avail. Anyway, after my last one, I decided enough was enough, and contacted the Doctor. Initially, I was referred to a Councillor, and although it was great to finally talk to someone about it, it didn't work. After seeing the Doc again, she put me on Citalopram .. It's also an anti depressant ( Which I wasn't), but also for panic attacks.The strongest drug I'd ever taken before was a Lemsip, but when I took my first tablet, I could hear my insides rumbling and groaning !! Straight away, I could feel a total difference in myself. She has suggested that I start to wean myself off them, but they have made such a huge difference to my life, I have continued ( Which the Doc is more than happy with) If anybody 'Thinks' they have had a panic attack, they haven't. If you have had a panic attack, YOU KNOW IT !! If this only helps one person out there, then it's been worthwhile posting


Mental health is starting to be recognised as a genuine issue but general levels of understanding and education on it are miles behind where they need to be

I also think that sadly there will be lots of people jumping on the "I have a problem" bandwagon and that could erode the good work that people are doing to raise its awareness

In the NHS, mental health needs to be put on an equal footing with all other health issues - expensive yes but I bet mental health costs this country far more than it would cost to properly fund.

Unlike broken legs and flu etc, mental health can very easily tear complete families apart, can lead to other issues such as unemployment, alcohol abuse, suicide, homelessness, children being removed from their families

I consider myself lucky - 95% of the time I'm perfectly ok - I hold down a decent job, my employer is fantastically understanding, my wife is trying hard to support and I know I will come out the other side - sadly many other people do not


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## andy__d

for me its the flip of your 95%, im one of those who lost his job due to it, and the misses and house ,, but like you the "oh ive got that fashionistas" worry me, as you say a broken arm/leg etc can be seen, and i know i worry about everything, but worrying that "oh i have *insert this weeks mental health issue here* " will replace the "i have a bad back" for those who are partial to that sort of things.
ive got my car and my cat, thats all , and the cat is one that adopted me from being a stray/homeless cat that turned up in the back garden 3years ago, so something went right for me there


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