# Once you see this your life will be changed forever...



## Beau Technique (Jun 21, 2010)

The cheapest way to get yourself on the detailing bandwagen and learn how to detail from your own frontroom!! Detailing by Haynes.

Form an orderly line:lol:


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## Sirmally2 (Feb 28, 2011)

Hahaha, thats class :thumb:


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## The_Bouncer (Nov 24, 2010)

.... oooooh :thumb:

....Chapter 5 - The three-hour pro detail


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## deanchilds (Dec 11, 2007)

Will you sign mine for me Scott?


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## Paddy_R (Jan 10, 2007)

The_Bouncer said:


> .... oooooh :thumb:
> 
> ....Chapter 5 - The three-hour pro detail


I'm more interested in chapter 4- Using the coin-op!


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## Derekh929 (Aug 28, 2011)

Book ordered and Ferrari 458 booked in ready to try out lol, I used to love the Haynes books but some lately is all about the name not the subject IMHO


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## kempe (Jan 9, 2011)

The_Bouncer said:


> .... oooooh :thumb:
> 
> ....Chapter 5 - The three-hour pro detail


I can do that just washing the car :detailer:


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## [email protected] (Mar 5, 2007)

Just wondering why you would be looking for such book in the first place ?.


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## Alan H (Jun 28, 2009)

Unashamedly stolen...

What the Haynes manual REALLY means....
Ever wondered what the authors actually meant, when they offered descriptions or instructions in the manual...


Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - thats the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing them re-check the manual because this can not be 'lightly' what you are doing now.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more
use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: But Nova's are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! 

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book except the thing you want to do!

For Added Haynes Fun:
Go to the first section, Safety First, and read the bit about Hydrofluoric Acid - do you really want the advice of a book that uses this form of understatement???!!?

Now look at the lovely colour section on body repairs - as you look at these two pages say to yourself over and over until it sinks in "mine will never look like that..."


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## NissanMan (Aug 24, 2010)

LOL at the above :thumb:


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## The_Bouncer (Nov 24, 2010)

Alan H said:


> .......
> 
> Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
> Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
> "


:lol::lol:

done that a few times over the years.. :driver:


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## Alan H (Jun 28, 2009)

The_Bouncer said:


> :lol::lol:
> 
> done that a few times over the years.. :driver:


Haven't we all!!!!:thumb:


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## Laurie.J.M (Jun 23, 2011)

All of that Haynes stuff is completely true. I studied engineering for a couple of years and we resorted to hammers and shouting quite a few times. Our lecturer even broke a pretty big hammer trying to get a rusted together gearbox apart so we could take the gears out and work out the gear ratios.

Even something simple like trying to change the bulb on a new car can end up being an exercise in restraining yourself from just taking a hammer to it. Swtiching the bulbs in my car takes barely a few minutes but getting at them takes quite a bit longer. If you've got large hands you can't change the dipped beam bulb in my car unless you take the bumper off so you can remove the headlamp from the car. You'd think taking the bumper off would be quite simple and it is once you've worked out where all the screws are and managed to dislodge the clips that hold the corners in place without either snapping the clips off or taking a chunk out of the bumper because you pulled to hard. I've changed the bulbs in my car once and I hope I never have to do it again before selling as it took an entire morning to what should be a simple task.


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## Jedi_Detailer (May 7, 2011)

Is the first instruction to disconnect the battery??


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## Beau Technique (Jun 21, 2010)

deanchilds said:


> Will you sign mine for me Scott?


You can be the first Deano:thumb:



[email protected] said:


> Just wondering why you would be looking for such book in the first place ?.


As most do. Random search and coming across things incorrectly through Googles odd brain matter. Its a snip in comparison to these training days everyones doing:lol:


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## trv8 (Dec 30, 2007)

[email protected] said:


> Just wondering why you would be looking for such book in the first place ?.


He's just trying to refine his 'Technique' and live up to his name :lol:.


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## Beau Technique (Jun 21, 2010)

trv8 said:


> He's just trying to refine his 'Technique' and live up to his name :lol:.


Exactly that. Im yet another typing better than my work itself. Youve given my secret away:lol:


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## herbiedacious (Sep 27, 2010)

Are the pages waterproof? Imagine the problems if you don't know what to do after applying snow foam & the pages are stuck together.


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## Big Buffer (Jan 1, 2011)

Deserves a bloody award that little peice of info.

Absolutly brilliant


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## The_Bouncer (Nov 24, 2010)

herbiedacious said:


> Are the pages waterproof? Imagine the problems if you don't know what to do after applying snow foam & the pages are stuck together.


:lol:

Some wives & girlfriends already think we like our cars more than them.

Can you image having the discussion as to why your pages are stuck together?? ...

:driver:


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## dooka (Aug 1, 2006)

Cheers Scott, now my secret is out   ..


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## Beau Technique (Jun 21, 2010)

herbiedacious said:


> Are the pages waterproof? Imagine the problems if you don't know what to do after applying snow foam & the pages are stuck together.


You should think first and be more carefull where you squirt your foam :thumb:



willwad82 said:


> Deserves a bloody award that little peice of info.
> 
> Absolutly brilliant


Maybe award for most pointless info:lol:



The_Bouncer said:


> :lol:
> 
> *Some wives & girlfriends already think we like our cars more than them*.
> 
> ...


Just look for Mercury mistress on youtube. Takes car love to a whole new level:detailer:



dooka said:


> Cheers Scott, now my secret is out   ..


Whoops! Sorry dude:thumb:


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## geoff.mac (Oct 13, 2010)

feck me, that picture on the cover looks like he's wiping off mayo its that thick :lol: :lol:


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## herbiedacious (Sep 27, 2010)

OMG, the seller comes from Tynemouth! l'll keep my eye out for his car,shouldn't be hard to spot. it'll be caked in over-applied wax.


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## dooka (Aug 1, 2006)

geoff.mac said:


> feck me, that picture on the cover looks like he's wiping off mayo its that thick :lol: :lol:


Isn't that how you do it then   ..

I do hope people realise I am joshing on this thread , but Scott learnt all he knows from this book, he hasn't managed to spread his mayo that thin yet though. About 6 years durability from Helmans Light Mayo apparently, well that's what the dealer told me, also said I wouldn't need to wash or maintain in that time either. Makes C1 look poor ..


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## Beau Technique (Jun 21, 2010)

dooka said:


> Isn't that how you do it then   ..
> 
> I do hope people realise I am joshing on this thread , but Scott learnt all he knows from this book, he hasn't managed to spread his mayo that thin yet though. About 6 years durability from Helmans Light Mayo apparently, well that's what the dealer told me, also said I wouldn't need to wash or maintain in that time either. Makes C1 look poor ..


Stop giving away trade secrets.

Serious note, this is for fun only:thumb:


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