# finding mum and dad



## craigeh123 (Dec 26, 2011)

Just watched this , a show on children needing adopting . I wont lie it left me a bit of a mess tbh . Felt so gutted for the little people .


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## ShiningScotsman (Jun 20, 2012)

With you totally. ?.is this what we have resorted to? A child cattle market.


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## craigeh123 (Dec 26, 2011)

It was heart wrenching , i felt so sorry for those brothers and that little lad that had been split from his sister . I couldn't understand how as the person adopting you would say yeah ill take 1 but not the other . I sat watching the show upset and angry and pretty much welled up the whole show . 
And seeing the kids getting ignored at the "party" ah man


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## HAVEN40 (Apr 24, 2013)

craigeh123 said:


> It was heart wrenching , i felt so sorry for those brothers and that little lad that had been split from his sister . I couldn't understand how as the person adopting you would say yeah ill take 1 but not the other . I sat watching the show upset and angry and pretty much welled up the whole show .
> And seeing the kids getting ignored at the "party" ah man


I read about this in the paper and I just couldn't bring myself to watch as its so heart wrenching. Especially as these little boys are around the same age as mine.

We tried for a while to have kids and if we couldn't I'd have certainly gone down the adoption route. Although I bet this is a very painfully difficult process.

I sincerely hope these lovely little boys and others alike find loving parents and go on to lead a wonderful life.


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## Darlofan (Nov 24, 2010)

Not watched it but heard about it. As parents of 2 adopted girls for 2 years now i'd like to put my take on this.

Yes the adoption process is long and hard but trust me you need preparing for it.

I have never heard of these parties that they were showing to introduce children but what we went through to pick our girls i always referred to as Autotrader. 

It sounds sad but there is no other way to do it. 

Basically we went with an agency to approve us as parents(lots of interviews and indepth questions into your past life and lifestyle now, finances the lot).
Once approved we then had to do a tick box questionnaire of what type of children we wanted(sex,ages, siblings, single, groups, medical issues etc).

We then were sent profiles(1pic+brief description) of children from different councils around the country, extra to this we were sent a magazine Children who Wait(The Autotrader Bit). In this magazine were approx a hundred children a month that needed 'forever' mums and dads.

This for me was the saddest part of the whole thing looking at all these kids wanting homes. The worse part was watching the same faces appear month after month in the magazine.

Once we found children we like our social worker had to express an interest on our behalf, the relevant council would then decide if they thought we were a match for an interview. This only happened once for us in quite a few we showed an interest in(very few actually bothered writing back to even say no thanks). The one we got an interview for we didn't 'click' with their social worker and felt she was being sketchy on information so decided to go no further.

Throughout the whole process we were told you would 'just know' when you found the right child, this I never believed until I saw our 2 girls in the magazine. My wife and I spoke about them all night and decided to get our social worker to put in an interest when she got back from holiday (8days later). The 8 days wait wasn't a worry as we knew councils at the other end didn't move too quickly (due to meeting after meeting) but something made me e-mail the council s/w myself that night explaining our situation.

From there the ball rolled quickly to us having an interview arranged before our s/w got back. 

After that we were agreed as prospective adopters and had to be interviewed by a panel of specialists from the girls council(16of them, we were told there'd be about7:doublesho). After that interview we had to wait outside for 10mins while they made up their minds (LONG 10mins!!). Anyway they said yes which was great so the next process was meeting the foster carers and arranging introductions. 

We had to do a video of our house, their rooms, pets, cars etc and a photo album of house, family etc with descriptions of their new family. These were used over a fortnight to prepare the girls for meeting us. 

We then had 'introductions' which consisted of us meeting the girls over a fortnight building up from a half hour visit to spending all day with them, taking them to school, bath, bedtime etc. Until at the end of the fortnight we took them home(until now we could have pulled out or the sw could have said we weren't right.

Once they were home we had weekly visits from sw's to check everything was ok and support was in place until about 6months in when she started coming monthly. She had to come monthly until we felt it was right to go to court and adopt them formally(18months). It took a while as we made sure we had extra support and funding agreed before this as after you adopt councils are very slow with things like that. 

It wasn't easy during that time and there were several discussions about whether it was working(1 phone call on a sat morning from me saying come and take them away!!!) but we are now 2 years since they came to us and cannot imagine life without them(well most of the time:thumb

Craigeh123-Ours were 2 of 10 taken into care. Older ones into foster care younger ones for adoption. Our 2 were in foster care with a younger sibling but it was decided she would be better on her own and our 2 adopted together. The foster carer(had them18months) always said to us our 2 should be split as well as they were too much of a handful- this we agreed with for quite a long time as the eldest(6at time) was acting as mother to the youngest and couldn't let us do the parenting. It does semm sad seperating siblings but it's only done for the best. Direct(face to face) contact is arranged as well with siblings that aren't a danger once a year ours is. Letterbox(a letter) once a year is also sent to birth parents to keep them up with girls progress. They can write back although ours never have even though a sw has offered to write for them

We decided to meet the birth parents as well which was a difficult decision to make but we're glad we did. My wife came out crying saying she wanted to help them too!! But this meeting gave us something to tell the girls when older and also we can see where certain looks/traits come from.

The other thing i would say is it's remarkable what memories young children carry. We mistakenly thought our youngest taken into care at 18months would have no memories of her childhood. She's 6 now and still affected by what went on in the birth home.


If there is any fault with adoption it's how long it takes to get kids taken into care in the first place. We have a file 66 pages long for the first 18months of our youngests life with 82 visits made by soaial workers, helpers, support etc. 4 times they went to a judge to get an order to take all the kids and 4 times they were denied because the parents had agreed to go on alcohol, drug, shopping, household courses/rehab etc. None of this worked of course, they were even given thousands of pounds worth of furniture to sort the house out, 8 days later it had all gone because the parents sold it:wall:

I know they are trying to speed up the system and the sooner the better. They could also cut out a lot of the checks prospective parents have to go through. We spent a couple of hours one day with a sw doing a H+S check on our house, we had to get fire extinguisher, cupboard locks, fire guard(it's an electric fan type), the dog assessed, light pulls shortened and certain plants taken from the garden as they were on a poisonous list(daffs it was:doublesho). This is all well and good but when you see where the kids have come from having daffs in our garden was the least of their worries

Sorry if i have gone on but i can see how bad/sad that programme may have looked but it's all for the good in the end.


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## craigeh123 (Dec 26, 2011)

When i saw the advert i knew it would be a tough watch . My Mrs used to watch a show on great ormond street i watched 2 episodes and told her to watch them without me in the future as any show with kids at a disadvantage turns me into a teary eyed wreck


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## petemattw (Nov 3, 2008)

I've welled up reading darlofans post. I don't want kids, too much responsibility, but I hate seeing them being abused in any sense.


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## craigeh123 (Dec 26, 2011)

Darlofan thankyou for such a brilliant post . I was shocked how long the process takes , the party's mentioned were apparently a new thing they were trying out .

It got to the end of the show where they do that sort of what happened Thing they do , neither the young boy who had been to three party's and split from his sister or the 2 boys that attended 2 party's , i announced ffs got all upset and felt the tears rolling down my cheeks while pretending if course they weren't . 

I cant understand how kids are left with junkie parents as the drugs rule their lives , rather than take them out and place them somewhere safe


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## richard56 (Sep 29, 2013)

petemattw said:


> I've welled up reading darlofans post. I don't want kids, too much responsibility, but I hate seeing them being abused in any sense.


There is a lump in my throat and it seems there is now something in my eye.

A couple I know started off by fostering.
Eventually adopted two lads about 10 or 11. They were nightmares! It is amazing what love, time and hard work can achieve.
One thing that stuck in my mind was being told none of the children's belongings can be moved using bin bags they have been through enough crap in their lives already.
I truly admire people who can make this commitment.


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## HAVEN40 (Apr 24, 2013)

Thanks Darlofan for the excellent insight into the adoption process and your experiences thereafter. Wow I've welled up reading that. You and your wife are truly amazing people.


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## InvaderZim (Aug 24, 2010)

HAVEN40 said:


> You and your wife are truly amazing people.


I 2nd this


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## tartanhaggis (Jan 3, 2011)

In my case when I was born the social workers made it very clear to my birth parents that they couldn't cope with another child. At birth I was taken out the room without my birth mum even catching a glimpse of me.......That was 43 years ago.
To cut a very long story short I was found through a company called Birthlink 9 years ago .To my great surprise I found out my birth parents were alive but the biggest shock I HAD 7 BROTHERS AND 2 SISTERS.
The day we met was one of the best days of my life, just to know where you came from may sounds a simple thing but had the greatest meaning.
Just a short insight to my story. But there can be a happy endings

Bruce Mitchell 
Or the name my birth parents wanted to give me......Gary Borthwick


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## craigeh123 (Dec 26, 2011)

Cheers for your story tartanhaggis , i know someone 2 of their 3 lads are adopted and bizzarely 1 of the adopted lads looks the spit of his dad which obviously is not genetic!


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## Derekh929 (Aug 28, 2011)

Darlofan said:


> Not watched it but heard about it. As parents of 2 adopted girls for 2 years now i'd like to put my take on this.
> 
> Yes the adoption process is long and hard but trust me you need preparing for it.
> 
> ...


Well I have to say one of the best worded replies and detail I have seen on here and a reply from the heart, that has given us all an understanding of the process and problems to achieve a family , that others may take for granted.
I have to say I can't imagine the work you and your partner have put in to reach the time when all your effort has paid off and you and your daughters have the life these deserve.
Well done a credit to society and thanks for your post I enjoyed that:thumb:


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