# Depression



## tommyboy40 (Feb 28, 2012)

I've only recently started visiting this section of DW and noticed so many struggling with mental health issues so I thought I'd share my experiences. For years I was a miserable ******* and couldn't seem to shake it. Nothing seemed to make me happy and I was a difficult person to be with, always negative and unable to see the bright side of anything. i tried everything and nothing seemed to work. I was lucky enough to find a book; The power of now by Eckhart Tolle. His story was that he'd finally had enough and was going to end it all. Being a German, he decided he was going to get everything in order first. He decided to set a date when he was going to kill himself, 6 months or so into the future, giving him time to set his estate in order and leave as little as possible for his family to do. This done and with his date set, life became easier. The stress, the worry, the fear, was all gone and he started to become happy because he knew that soon, it would be all over. We all qualify our happiness with if and what - I'll be happy when, I'll be happy if. We miss all the real moments of happiness. Try something simple. If you, like me, wake up desperately needing the toilet, clear your mind and savor that first pee of the day. Big aaaahhhhh when you let it out. Forget everything except the pee. I make my coffee, perfecting my technique, savouring the flavour and concentrating on just that. Little things at first and slowly my life changed. I'm now one of those ridiculously positive people, bouncing with energy. Because I exude positivity, I get it back tenfold. My daughter, who's exactly as I was in my 20's, tells me that life isn't a Disney movie but I say that we write our own script. Never be afraid to share, you're not alone. My life has changed completely and Im a better person. Big love to the DW community.


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## President Swirl (Oct 23, 2011)

I've been struggling for years my friend. I'm having a go at some counselling from next week. All the best.


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## Neilvx (Mar 11, 2014)

I have been suffering since my marriage broke down in 2012. Hit some really low times and tried to take my life a couple of times. Family have been amazing and my new partner is always there for me.

I was with my ex wife for 17 years and married for 9 of those and we have 3 kids. In my eyes life was complete, the wife was amazing, nice family home and great kids. Then I found out she had been having affairs and that’s where is ended.

After all the pain she put me through and god knows how many times I have wished her dead I still can’t let go, she was the love of my life. I am in a amazing relationship now for the last 4 years and love her to death but it is different. My new girlfriend can’t do enough and I have been open and honest with her. I get so angry that I still love the ex wife but can’t change how I feel, it’s a vicious circle that’s for sure.

Don’t get me wrong I am much better than I was but still taking maximum doesage for depressents and can’t ever see me snapping out of it. 

That’s my story and sorry for blabbing on


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## Kerr (Mar 27, 2012)

Does anyone else think people with hobbies, like detailing, are part of the vicious cycle that is depression? 

Standards are set so high that what other people see as trivial annoys you to a serious level?


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## andy__d (Jun 27, 2018)

Neilvx said:


> I have been suffering since my marriage broke down in 2012. Hit some really low times and tried to take my life a couple of times. Family have been amazing and my new partner is always there for me.
> 
> I was with my ex wife for 17 years and married for 9 of those and we have 3 kids. In my eyes life was complete, the wife was amazing, nice family home and great kids. Then I found out she had been having affairs and that's where is ended.
> 
> ...


Neil
"sorry for blabbing on" is something you really dont need to say, i totally understand Why you did. its taken me Ages to work out/learn that its not a thing needs saying, i hope oneday you get to the point where you too realise there really is no need at all to apologise for having depression + related things. At the end of the day, does it Honestly matter if your taking the min or the max dose recommended for you ? matters Far more that your getting some help in whatever format it is And that its helping.



Kerr said:


> Does anyone else think people with hobbies, like detailing, are part of the vicious cycle that is depression?
> 
> Standards are set so high that what other people see as trivial annoys you to a serious level?


Kerr
There could be something there, for Some people but certainly Not all. depression can be helped by hobbies, or made worse by them, trying to pigeon hole and simplify things is a human trait that really does not apply or work with mental health issues esp depression. At best it could be just wrong, at worse you could be making people suffering from depression and associated conditions far worse by trying to generalise like that. Sweeping statements really do not apply, and possibly would anger some. It's better to ask as you did.
Depression itself is its own circle, some withdraw, some go the other way, a Fair % bottle things up and never talk about it, Thankfully more and more are realising that it is ok to say "i have...." as they really are not The only one, which is how a lot think/feel.

as for the causes/triggers for it, you again can not say "its X" , you could say "x with y at F time and taking into account G , K , P really didnt help , X being the last straw" , what the variables are for each person are as varied as the colour of the socks the postmen wore a week last tuesday over the whole of the uk.

"work related stress"
"family related stress"
"financial related stress"

however will be Somewhere in the variables for a large % of the people with it, weighted differently for each


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## uggski (Jun 29, 2016)

Kerr said:


> Does anyone else think people with hobbies, like detailing, are part of the vicious cycle that is depression?
> 
> Standards are set so high that what other people see as trivial annoys you to a serious level?


No, but sometimes the OCD that a lot of people on here suffer from can be a symptom of it. I prefer to think of it as attention to detail. Which if used correctly can be really positive.


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## garage_dweller (Apr 10, 2018)

Enjoying having a clean car isn’t OCD, I see that term used in here quite often and it’s used in completely the wrong context. 

I really like having a clean car, tidy house, etc but I don’t think something terrible is going to happen if those things aren’t achieved. That’s not OCD. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## wish wash (Aug 25, 2011)

I was the typical guy that judged. Man up, pull yourself together, thinking it was a choice. When you go through certain situations and feel, you wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy. 

Stress is a main culprit. The 3 types. Physical, chemical and emotional stress. 

Poor sleep, the main time your body heals and repairs is during sleep. 

Exercise is a big help. Studies show its a lot more beneficial than antidepressants, with a lot less side effects.


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## andy665 (Nov 1, 2005)

Great you found something that helped you - that's the trick I believe for everyone suffering from depression - its about finding the "something" that helps them

I'm in a really dark place at the moment - some false dawns of positivity that have not come to fruition and have actually had the effect of pushing me back further then I was before

Helping my wife through 9+ years of depression has clearly had a big impact on me but she has come out the other side and now I no longer have to be her "carer" its given me the time to look at myself and I do not like what I see one little bit

Done the CBT and it has not helped - refuse to do the medication - terrified of becoming a zombie and unable to function at any level - perhaps a misguided fear but its still a fear

The one thing that really upsets me and pushes me over the edge is my wifes drinking - she has cut down but still drinks way too much and I'm scared of the impact its having on her health - she knows how much it scares me and simply refuses to drink less - her contention being that she does not get drunk therefore she has no problem with alcohol - feel like she is kicking me in the teeth and makes me feel completely worthless and irrelevant

How much does it impact me - well I'm sitting here penning this after packing a couple of suitcases as I am leaving her and my son - simply cannot cope with it anymore. She says she cares but has just brought into the house yet another bottle of wine

Do I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up again - at this moment in time that's exactly what I want


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## Neilvx (Mar 11, 2014)

Andy hang in there, I found talking to family and friends helped me a lot when I was in dark place. Sometimes I would turn up at my friends and pretty much just sit there, would stop me doing anything stupid I would later regret. My friends all understood what I was going through and work around me. 

Leaving the family home has to one of the hardest things to do, maybe take break and stay with some else for a little bit. Keep talking to the wife and be honest, fingers crossed it works out for you.


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## andy665 (Nov 1, 2005)

Neilvx said:


> Andy hang in there, I found talking to family and friends helped me a lot when I was in dark place. Sometimes I would turn up at my friends and pretty much just sit there, would stop me doing anything stupid I would later regret. My friends all understood what I was going through and work around me.
> 
> Leaving the family home has to one of the hardest things to do, maybe take break and stay with some else for a little bit. Keep talking to the wife and be honest, fingers crossed it works out for you.


Thanks. I went out for a very very long walk to try and clear my head

I don't blame my wife for not being able to be supportive, she has been 5hrough he'll the last few years and simply has not got the capacity to look out for me at the moment

Spent some time putting up the Christmas village in the lounge- the usual distraction techniques that allowed me time to calm down


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## SBM (Jul 4, 2013)

Andy, I truly wish I had the answers - I don't, but for sure on this forum we are here to listen and help where we can.

I can empathise - I have been through a terrible, now "ex-wife", situation that was horrific. I have suffered EVERY kind of abuse you can mention from her. I have truly had days when I never wanted to go on, seriously contemplating not just to finish it all, but how. I was to cowardly for any of the options I could come up with... it taught me there was a good side to being a coward as I am still here.

It was a few years ago and now I am in a very happy, stable relationship. What got me from one to the other was being able to lean on a couple of good friends who said they would be there for me and were. Sometimes only to listen to me rant on. But ultimately they supported me.

I wish you every bit of success and hope for the future Andy because I don't know you personally, but you are such a valued, thought provoking member on this forum, unique skills, knowledge and interesting views that mean you are one of the many that bring life to this forum.
If you can do that for people who don't even know you, you must be a person that is vital to your son, and GOOD friends.

All the best
Ben


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## tommyboy40 (Feb 28, 2012)

Neilvx said:


> I have been suffering since my marriage broke down in 2012. Hit some really low times and tried to take my life a couple of times. Family have been amazing and my new partner is always there for me.
> 
> I was with my ex wife for 17 years and married for 9 of those and we have 3 kids. In my eyes life was complete, the wife was amazing, nice family home and great kids. Then I found out she had been having affairs and that's where is ended.
> 
> ...


You don't get over 17 years just like that and having kids doesn't allow for an easy break up. It's so easy to use your kids as weapons but that doesn't help anyone. We couldn't speak at all after our break up, there was so much anger and hurt. I hate to trot out an old cliche but time does help. We had to learn to be adults together and it eventually did work, to the point that we ended up going on holidays together. I still fancy her, I always will but I realised that we couldn't be together. I've since been in other relationships which ended badly, some that went on long after they should have been over. I am however, an incurable romantic who has always believed that true love was out there somewhere. 2.5 years ago I met an amazing woman who's come into my life like a whirlwind. there's always a second chance. Try to focus on small insignificant moments and make them your little daily moments of happiness, the first cigarette/coffee/poo! Small beginnings, small steps. Come on here and see how supportive a bunch of hairy assed detailers are!


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## tommyboy40 (Feb 28, 2012)

andy665 said:


> Great you found something that helped you - that's the trick I believe for everyone suffering from depression - its about finding the "something" that helps them
> 
> I'm in a really dark place at the moment - some false dawns of positivity that have not come to fruition and have actually had the effect of pushing me back further then I was before
> 
> ...


When you spend years helping someone else you tend to lose yourself a little. Needy people are greedy people and suck up your energy. Don't be too hard on yourself and try doing things for yourself. When I'm most stressed I detail, it clears my mind and forces me to concentrate on the job in hand.


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## andy665 (Nov 1, 2005)

tommyboy40 said:


> When you spend years helping someone else you tend to lose yourself a little. Needy people are greedy people and suck up your energy. Don't be too hard on yourself and try doing things for yourself. When I'm most stressed I detail, it clears my mind and forces me to concentrate on the job in hand.


Most of the time I'm ok and I don't blame my wife for struggling to support me - she is after all still recovering from her own depression

The pressure (self-inflicted) of her losing her job sent me downhill but all's well that ends well with her getting a massively better job that she would never have even known about unless she had been looking for a job

She is proving to be a decent listener but sometimes I need a bit more support than that but its heading in the right direction


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## noddy r32 (Nov 13, 2010)

I’m not alone I’m still taking my tablets went through a really bad spell where I couldn’t even get out of bed , I feel for everyone of you guys , unless you’ve had depression you can’t understand how bad it makes you feel . I’m wishing us all a better 2019 😊👍


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## possul (Nov 14, 2008)

I used to one of those people who just thought people should get a grip, but realised i needed help and so glad i did, its far to common nowadays and people who need help really should get it when required rather that just waiting, hoping things get better.
Started meds which im due to come off but life is much better.
I trip to singapore with work was a massive help too.
To get away from everything and just have some time away doing my own thing was just what i needed


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